Boo hoo

Well, in my last entry, I expressed that I had weird pains that I was not worried about.  

It is now 6 days later, the pains are still here, and I am scared!  The pains are intensely sharp and shooting, and only when I sit or stand.  From what I can tell, it is related to bending my knee.  So sitting, with knees bent, is the worst, but also, just on crutches with knee slightly bent is painful too!  I don't know what is wrong!  The doctor has been out of town, so I have to wait until Monday to go see him. 

To me, it feels like a muscle problem, like something is pinched or reset incorrectly.  It also feels like maybe something got shortened and now doesn't have enough elasticity to bend.  It feels like it is originating deep in my hip, like from deep in the butt muscle, radiates through my pelvis, and then shoots down the front of my thigh to the point where I want to scream and cry.  I'm freaked out!  I have been confined to my bed for 6 days because of this, and I am so frustrated and mad.

I am starting to think it is something else entirely.  All the what-ifs in my mind are swirling around to many worst case scenarios.  I mean, it is already bad enough that I am bed ridden after four weeks of positive recovery.  There is obviously something wrong by that fact alone.   

I don't know what else to say.  I just have to wait to see the doctor.  Boo.

Some Days Just Suck.

I am feeling terrible today.  

My mom is at a conference in Los Angeles, so I will be home alone during the days from now on.  It is only day two, and I am lonely and frustrated and in pain!  Starting yesterday, I have been experiencing sharp  shooting pain from my groin area through my thigh; on the inner and outer thigh.  It is worst when I sit straight up, like in a chair or on the side of the bed, and pain killers aren't helping.  My body only wants to be horizontal and screams in agonizing sharp pains if I try to do anything different.

But I'm not worried.

During recovery for my left PAO, I experienced very similar shooting pains in my left thigh.  It was awful for a few days and then went away.  As my body is adjusting to it's new construction, there are growing and healing pains that I just have to deal with.  Really, I've discovered that the first 8 weeks are all about staying as comfortable as possible.  You definitely want to push yourself to crutch a little further, or sit up an extra half hour at a restaurant, but really, you just need to relax and let the massive break in your pelvis heal and grow back solid and strong.  

And no matter how hard you may try to stop it...some days just suck.

The first few nasty days at home

Wow.  The last few days have been blurry and painful.  First off, I was released from the hospital on Monday, so I stayed in the hospital for a total of five days, same as last time.  When released from the hospital, I was loopy and freaked out, partly because I found out that I was denied benefits from the federal government.  They sent me a letter saying that despite my condition, I still had 'adequate' use of my arms and legs, and that by their definition, I was not disabled, and still able to work a job.  This is obviously not the case, and it makes me SO MAD! to know that there are fucks out there collecting social security their whole lives, just to get fatter and lazier.  They are STEALING from people like me, who actually need this benefit, and only for a short amount of time.  This means that I have zero income for the duration of my recovery, and will be in huge amounts of debt for my surgery, hospital, physical therapy and other recovery costs.  This would freak anyone out, but at my super sensitive state, I just sobbed uncontrollably and saw my future as a bag lady very clearly.

Because of my hysterics, the doctor prescribed me Ativan to calm down the crazy.   On Monday night, my first night home, I was so upset, I took a Percocet, an Ambien, and an Ativan, and passed out for 16 hours.  Since then, I can't really remember much except a lot of throwing up, blurry vision, weakness and pain.  I basically slept all day Tuesday.  My mom called the doctor to find out what was wrong, and it turns out, I overdosed myself!  In the hospital, they give you a concoction of all those drugs together,and I was instructed to do so at home as well ( as needed of course).  However, in the hospital you get 5mg of each, whereas at home, I was prescribed 10mg.  Dr. Santore explained that he  does this because the drugs are controlled substances, and you are only able to prescribe a certain amount.  If he doubles the dose, then I can cut them in half at home, doubling my prescription, and reducing the need to refill my Rx as often.  Woah.  I wish I knew that.  Since then, I have been uncontrollably nauseas, weak, dizzy and in SO MUCH PAIN because I can't take the pain meds without wanting to throw up my insides.  Even looking at a computer screen made me want to vomit.

So I was prescribed some anti nausea medication, that helps for about an hour, and then sends me into dizzy spells.  Today is a little better; I have not thrown up, but I still don't have much of an appetite, although I am desperately hungry.  I am still very weak and dizzy, and working on managing my pain with these stomach wrenching pain meds that I can't wait to be free of.

 On the positive side, I am very happy with my range of movement so far.  There was a slight variation in the surgery this time.  For this procedure, there were no tendons cut!  He was able to go underneath them to perform the surgery, instead of cutting through and re-attaching them.  This has given me the ability to move my knee up and down, which I was unable to do for WEEKS after my first PAO, and only after a lot of practice. I can bend at the waist with more ease as well.  My mom and Jeff have put me in the wheelchair at night and pushed me down the street so I can get some fresh air too.

Ugh.  The depression is hard to conquer.  I have been faced with so much hardship the last couple years, and it just never seems to let up.  I am so blessed to have parents that love me and will do anything they can to help.  But they're not rich either, and I know it is not easy to financially support a grown woman with growing debt.  I am also blessed to have the support and love from a group of friends that are positive and passionate, and not willing to let me wallow in misery.  I have to remind myself it will get better.  It will.  It will.  It will get better.