Sacroiliac Joint can Suck It (cortisone, that is)

OK.

It will be 8 weeks on Thursday since the PAO on my right hip.  I definitely notice an improvement, especially when I wake up in the morning.  For the first 6-8 weeks, for both of my PAOs, every morning I would wake up feeling like I had been hit by a truck. That feeling has begun to subside, which is a great sign.

Not so great is the relentless pain in my back, to the right of the base of my tailbone.  This pain has stayed with me for years now, and has always been lumped in with the myriad of other pains and problems with my dysplastic right hip.  I described my painful experience with the lower back (lumbar spine) area in previous posts, how it related to my thigh pain and that the professional guess was that my sacrum was out of whack.  Physical therapy with an awesome therapist (Chad Neubrand in San Diego; he is amazing) helped after only a few sessions with him.  I showed significant improvement in my movement ( able to bend the knee again ) and reduced pain in my lumbar spine area.  

As the lumbar spine, thigh and hip pain started to subside significantly, the radiating pain at the base of my tailbone became more apparent.  It became clear that this pain was not related to the other parts that I have been so drastically working to fix.  I wouldn't say that the tailbone pain was my BIGGEST complaint in the beginning, but it was a large part of what afflicted me for so long.  The first doctor I went to for help was because I thought I had bruised my tailbone during a fall at the circus.   That small concern turned into a giant two year journey of three hip surgeries, many months of slow, difficult recovery, job loss, home loss, financial debt and distress, and a loud wake up call about my lifestyle and life goals.  Now, after all that, it comes back to this little bitch of a tailbone that refuses to chill out.

So today, I went to the doctor to get to the bottom of it.  First off, my pelvis is healing at a slower rate than he would prefer, and he is concerned about my nutrition.  (This happened for my last PAO as well, and it may have to do with my body's natural healing schedule).  I haven't been very diligent about getting enough to eat, partly because it is extremely difficult to cook and clean while on crutches, and partly because I have been in so much pain and slightly depressed.  Anyway, I will work much harder to make sure I am getting all the nutrients I need.  

Second, the doctor now understands more the intensity of the pain at my tailbone, how it is overshadowing the greatness of the hip surgery he did, and inhibiting me from moving forward boldly in my recovery.  He suggested cortisone and steroid shots straight into the sacroiliac joint, where it is believed the pain is located.  I of course agreed, since I trust everything Dr. Santore says, and I have tried just about EVERYTHING else to relieve my pain.  The injections are funny; for the first day, you feel great, and then the pain comes back for about 5 days, and then the pain is supposed to go away again. 

The injections are a pain masking tool that sometimes work forever, and sometimes not.  It is a total crapshoot, which is frustrating, but my only option at this stage.  The idea is that with a temporary relief of the pain, I can push forward in my recovery from the PAO.  Once I am healed and walking normally again, the twisted sacrum and sacroiliac joint pain will resolve itself based on my improved balance and strength. 

I am trying really hard to stay positive, keep the faith and project images of a pain free, healthy future for myself.  But I will admit here that those things have been more challenging to overcome than the physical pain and trauma itself.  Sometimes I think I may not ever get better.  Every challenge I have overcome has been followed immediately by another, and it just wears me down.  What if I go through all of this and the pain still doesn't go away?  The psychological stress has taken it's toll on me, and I want so badly to beat it.  I don't play video games, but I imagine that the frustration of just not knowing how to kill the biggest, badest monster at the end of the game would be similar to how I feel. I have tried every angle, every trick, every tool and weapon I can find, and I still can't kill the bloody bastard.  The only difference is that I can't walk away  from the challenge.  The obstacle lives inside me, in my body and my mind, every second of the day, and clouds everything else around me.

I hope this cortisone shot will be the answer to my prayers, and that my recovery will breeze on.  Two months down, four more to go.

The first few nasty days at home

Wow.  The last few days have been blurry and painful.  First off, I was released from the hospital on Monday, so I stayed in the hospital for a total of five days, same as last time.  When released from the hospital, I was loopy and freaked out, partly because I found out that I was denied benefits from the federal government.  They sent me a letter saying that despite my condition, I still had 'adequate' use of my arms and legs, and that by their definition, I was not disabled, and still able to work a job.  This is obviously not the case, and it makes me SO MAD! to know that there are fucks out there collecting social security their whole lives, just to get fatter and lazier.  They are STEALING from people like me, who actually need this benefit, and only for a short amount of time.  This means that I have zero income for the duration of my recovery, and will be in huge amounts of debt for my surgery, hospital, physical therapy and other recovery costs.  This would freak anyone out, but at my super sensitive state, I just sobbed uncontrollably and saw my future as a bag lady very clearly.

Because of my hysterics, the doctor prescribed me Ativan to calm down the crazy.   On Monday night, my first night home, I was so upset, I took a Percocet, an Ambien, and an Ativan, and passed out for 16 hours.  Since then, I can't really remember much except a lot of throwing up, blurry vision, weakness and pain.  I basically slept all day Tuesday.  My mom called the doctor to find out what was wrong, and it turns out, I overdosed myself!  In the hospital, they give you a concoction of all those drugs together,and I was instructed to do so at home as well ( as needed of course).  However, in the hospital you get 5mg of each, whereas at home, I was prescribed 10mg.  Dr. Santore explained that he  does this because the drugs are controlled substances, and you are only able to prescribe a certain amount.  If he doubles the dose, then I can cut them in half at home, doubling my prescription, and reducing the need to refill my Rx as often.  Woah.  I wish I knew that.  Since then, I have been uncontrollably nauseas, weak, dizzy and in SO MUCH PAIN because I can't take the pain meds without wanting to throw up my insides.  Even looking at a computer screen made me want to vomit.

So I was prescribed some anti nausea medication, that helps for about an hour, and then sends me into dizzy spells.  Today is a little better; I have not thrown up, but I still don't have much of an appetite, although I am desperately hungry.  I am still very weak and dizzy, and working on managing my pain with these stomach wrenching pain meds that I can't wait to be free of.

 On the positive side, I am very happy with my range of movement so far.  There was a slight variation in the surgery this time.  For this procedure, there were no tendons cut!  He was able to go underneath them to perform the surgery, instead of cutting through and re-attaching them.  This has given me the ability to move my knee up and down, which I was unable to do for WEEKS after my first PAO, and only after a lot of practice. I can bend at the waist with more ease as well.  My mom and Jeff have put me in the wheelchair at night and pushed me down the street so I can get some fresh air too.

Ugh.  The depression is hard to conquer.  I have been faced with so much hardship the last couple years, and it just never seems to let up.  I am so blessed to have parents that love me and will do anything they can to help.  But they're not rich either, and I know it is not easy to financially support a grown woman with growing debt.  I am also blessed to have the support and love from a group of friends that are positive and passionate, and not willing to let me wallow in misery.  I have to remind myself it will get better.  It will.  It will.  It will get better.