The first few nasty days at home

Wow.  The last few days have been blurry and painful.  First off, I was released from the hospital on Monday, so I stayed in the hospital for a total of five days, same as last time.  When released from the hospital, I was loopy and freaked out, partly because I found out that I was denied benefits from the federal government.  They sent me a letter saying that despite my condition, I still had 'adequate' use of my arms and legs, and that by their definition, I was not disabled, and still able to work a job.  This is obviously not the case, and it makes me SO MAD! to know that there are fucks out there collecting social security their whole lives, just to get fatter and lazier.  They are STEALING from people like me, who actually need this benefit, and only for a short amount of time.  This means that I have zero income for the duration of my recovery, and will be in huge amounts of debt for my surgery, hospital, physical therapy and other recovery costs.  This would freak anyone out, but at my super sensitive state, I just sobbed uncontrollably and saw my future as a bag lady very clearly.

Because of my hysterics, the doctor prescribed me Ativan to calm down the crazy.   On Monday night, my first night home, I was so upset, I took a Percocet, an Ambien, and an Ativan, and passed out for 16 hours.  Since then, I can't really remember much except a lot of throwing up, blurry vision, weakness and pain.  I basically slept all day Tuesday.  My mom called the doctor to find out what was wrong, and it turns out, I overdosed myself!  In the hospital, they give you a concoction of all those drugs together,and I was instructed to do so at home as well ( as needed of course).  However, in the hospital you get 5mg of each, whereas at home, I was prescribed 10mg.  Dr. Santore explained that he  does this because the drugs are controlled substances, and you are only able to prescribe a certain amount.  If he doubles the dose, then I can cut them in half at home, doubling my prescription, and reducing the need to refill my Rx as often.  Woah.  I wish I knew that.  Since then, I have been uncontrollably nauseas, weak, dizzy and in SO MUCH PAIN because I can't take the pain meds without wanting to throw up my insides.  Even looking at a computer screen made me want to vomit.

So I was prescribed some anti nausea medication, that helps for about an hour, and then sends me into dizzy spells.  Today is a little better; I have not thrown up, but I still don't have much of an appetite, although I am desperately hungry.  I am still very weak and dizzy, and working on managing my pain with these stomach wrenching pain meds that I can't wait to be free of.

 On the positive side, I am very happy with my range of movement so far.  There was a slight variation in the surgery this time.  For this procedure, there were no tendons cut!  He was able to go underneath them to perform the surgery, instead of cutting through and re-attaching them.  This has given me the ability to move my knee up and down, which I was unable to do for WEEKS after my first PAO, and only after a lot of practice. I can bend at the waist with more ease as well.  My mom and Jeff have put me in the wheelchair at night and pushed me down the street so I can get some fresh air too.

Ugh.  The depression is hard to conquer.  I have been faced with so much hardship the last couple years, and it just never seems to let up.  I am so blessed to have parents that love me and will do anything they can to help.  But they're not rich either, and I know it is not easy to financially support a grown woman with growing debt.  I am also blessed to have the support and love from a group of friends that are positive and passionate, and not willing to let me wallow in misery.  I have to remind myself it will get better.  It will.  It will.  It will get better.